Rantings of Myself

Only God knows how long since the last I made a post on this blog on mine. So yeah, as the writer's blood suddenly rushed through me, I decided to post something here, where I can express my thoughts and emotions freely. Straying far away from home, giving up most of life's pleasure- sleep, fun, love, eating and also family, here I am, as a greenhorn conquistador to the path of success and well of course, as a scholar. Being a scholar is seriously no play, the stress to do well, to be the best among your peers (scholarmates), and to always be on decorum is what I find the hardest. It's a drastic change for myself, and I know, being a full-boarding school student for five years this shouldn't happen to me, but oh well, I am so not the girl next door having this top notch propriety nor being a total nerd. This is so not me. I wanted to have fun, but I'm not. Staying here feels so dull and mundane. My every day schedule, repeating for weeks, everything is the same. Nothing changes. No excitement nor friends who you can really laugh with. No space for me to do things that I really like. Somehow being out of UTP will remain a regret in bliss for the rest of my life, I guess.    Even with these rantings, I must admit something - I miss those who made my four months of stay there joyful. Yong, I miss the quarrels I have with you, the times we could study together, and also where you keep being a grandma advising me this and that especially on issues pertaining my health. The times where you would actually come all the way to bring me go to the clinic in the middle of the night. Implicitly, without me realizing, you have become my best friend. Xue Er, I enjoyed every single moment I spent with you, and the little talks or the teasing was usually what that makes my day. Coco, you are the girl, lol. I'm still confunded by how you are able to live through few months without dinner, and your helpfulness and innocence really makes me feel comfortable. Not forgetting Kevin, Patrick, Lai, Jason, Low, JP, Jun, Darren and my roomie- Yana. Though the amount of time spent with you people is not much, but then, I really had memorable times that I can always recount and smile anytime of the day with you. :) To the one whom I am sure will be reading this particular post intently, Christopher Yee Kang Yung, I am so not used to being far away from you. Long-distance is taking a toll on my emotions, and I hate it. I know, you are always trying to clear your weekend and to come back for us to be together, but it's just not the same. No more Wednesday KFC dinner with you. No more every day dinner and weekend laptop-movies together. No more running and fooling around tickling each other in the end instead of sweating. It just feels empty. E-M-P-T-Y. Missing the night walks we have together although at times we mostly don't say anything to each other. Not having you around is worse, and what's worst is that I remind myself everyday that by this time next year, I am going to have to bid farewell to you for four years. I do not know why am I that emotional at this moment but the ambivalent I am feeling is why I decided to write. Writing really do improve my mood. The form of letting it all out in forms of words are always what appeals to me, other than tearing. Sigh. I miss home, and I really want to go home. That is of course, impossible for my classes ends late on Fridays, and it will be a hassle for me to get to the bus station, plus the probability of not getting a ticket home is high. Life's a bitch, I get it now. Looking on the bright side of the university now, I am grateful that the lecturers that I am getting (especially my Calculus) is really good and I find that I am most productive when put in a classroom-like environment. Focus is evidently higher and maybe due to the fact that everyone else knows that I am a scholar, I am constantly pushing myself to the limit to excel and not lose to those who are not sponsored by any bodies. I am not trying to be complacent right now, but it's true. I am not the kind of person to just 'brush my dignity' off whenever I lost to someone academically. I feel like I'm in a pressure cooker, ready to explode anytime with tears. I am trying to stay optimistic each freaking day, and I am trying my best. Really wish everything just falls right into place this time so that I am not going to have any more regrets. Life is short. I really do not want to miss out the fun due to my lofty ambition of going overseas.