The Journey Is Now Envisioned.

This would be a short summary of probably one of the three most influencing days in my good eighteen years of living on Earth. As cliche as it sounds, this "reflecting on oneself" programme has truly made me realise three things clearly - What I want. What I need. What is important to me. From the talks by Duke, University of Pennsylvania, Stanford, MIT, Cambridge, Michigan, Warwick, and London School of Economics would be & graduated scholars, its has been a privilege to actually talk and ask them about their experiences- SATs, TOEFL, AP, application essays and all the toils, tears and blood for the sweetest thing in return, which is the admission to Ivy Leagues/ Top universities. One of the common characteristic shared by all the scholars was of course, well, their hard work. Hard work might be a little bit underrated here, for they really studied their asses off for it. It makes me wonder really on how much effort I am actually putting in now for my studies. That's of course, one of the realization that dawned upon me. Triple majors, double degree, intern ship in three different continents before coming back,  it was like a W-O-W thing for me. Never did I thought that I would meet these cool geeky people in my circles - and the fact that I would probably be colleagues with them in the next few years in the bank thrills me! :D I seriously feel so grateful that I chose the bank instead, because I am able to see how much support they give us scholars, and the people who makes the bank running who are charismatic, responsible, intelligent, confident really do make an effort to make us one of them in future. It is true what the psychologist said - The physical appearance of the building itself would give one a "run-down" image of the bank- but when you take a look in who are the people inside- you. will. be. amazed. (Did I mention that he's extremely good looking too? :P) 

"What do you daydream about"

"What is important to you?"

"Who do you want to be?"

Three of these questions that were imposted did make a difference. I began to see the light of the importance of each of them- and what it really means to me (I really hate psychology sessions in a group- its kinda like stripping you naked in front of your peers who you barely know). Everyone who knows me for three days would be able to answer the first question for me - My boyfriend Yee Kang Yung. Scholar or not, geeky or not, kiasu or not, yes I admit that I am super duper in love with this boy of mine :) I do dream big, and dream ahead. When asked what do I daydream about, I was at first doubting myself whether or not to be truthful, for it was the mentality of not wanting to 'get those stares' from the scholars. But it was Azhari that made me realize one thing- I am actually judging who am I within. I should not have had second thoughts about letting it out. Yes, superficially I may say I am proud, but am I really feeling so? After thinking it through, I got it- I am not like any other eighteen year old girls who are lovesick and just living the moment in the fervor of love. No, I am sure that I want to spend my life with this guy, just like how I am sure about things that I want to do in my life. That's how much he means to me. And for what is actually important to me- I already have the answer the moment the question was potrayed. I am what's important to myself. I am no saint who puts other people first in my life. Selfishly, every time there's a situation that I am going through- I would put myself into account first. Well, we only live once- so I am not going to let any chances slip by that makes me regret it for the rest of my life. And by putting myself first and able to succeed in things I do, I am able to make the people around me happy. My mom, my dad, Jo and bii :) I would share success, but I would not let anyone else take away the chance that I too equally have a shot at it. That's who I really am I suppose. For the third question it's a very interesting one- we did it with Oompa-Loompa (He looks funny hahaha.). We were asked to dream big like we are living it in the present- and of course one that could be realized. My answer presented was:

I am Vivian. I am a well known mathematician that has won two Nobel prizes by the year 2024. I am holding three degrees, two masters, and a PhD. I am happily married to Christopher Yee and working with Bank Negara as an Assistant Gabenor. I own a few houses, managed to buy my father two sports car, brought my mom to Switzerland and had tonnes of adventure with my baby sister, Jo. On top of that, I am a prolific writer and published several books on crime thrillers.

Totally living in the dream :P

Rantings of Myself

Only God knows how long since the last I made a post on this blog on mine. So yeah, as the writer's blood suddenly rushed through me, I decided to post something here, where I can express my thoughts and emotions freely. Straying far away from home, giving up most of life's pleasure- sleep, fun, love, eating and also family, here I am, as a greenhorn conquistador to the path of success and well of course, as a scholar. Being a scholar is seriously no play, the stress to do well, to be the best among your peers (scholarmates), and to always be on decorum is what I find the hardest. It's a drastic change for myself, and I know, being a full-boarding school student for five years this shouldn't happen to me, but oh well, I am so not the girl next door having this top notch propriety nor being a total nerd. This is so not me. I wanted to have fun, but I'm not. Staying here feels so dull and mundane. My every day schedule, repeating for weeks, everything is the same. Nothing changes. No excitement nor friends who you can really laugh with. No space for me to do things that I really like. Somehow being out of UTP will remain a regret in bliss for the rest of my life, I guess.    Even with these rantings, I must admit something - I miss those who made my four months of stay there joyful. Yong, I miss the quarrels I have with you, the times we could study together, and also where you keep being a grandma advising me this and that especially on issues pertaining my health. The times where you would actually come all the way to bring me go to the clinic in the middle of the night. Implicitly, without me realizing, you have become my best friend. Xue Er, I enjoyed every single moment I spent with you, and the little talks or the teasing was usually what that makes my day. Coco, you are the girl, lol. I'm still confunded by how you are able to live through few months without dinner, and your helpfulness and innocence really makes me feel comfortable. Not forgetting Kevin, Patrick, Lai, Jason, Low, JP, Jun, Darren and my roomie- Yana. Though the amount of time spent with you people is not much, but then, I really had memorable times that I can always recount and smile anytime of the day with you. :) To the one whom I am sure will be reading this particular post intently, Christopher Yee Kang Yung, I am so not used to being far away from you. Long-distance is taking a toll on my emotions, and I hate it. I know, you are always trying to clear your weekend and to come back for us to be together, but it's just not the same. No more Wednesday KFC dinner with you. No more every day dinner and weekend laptop-movies together. No more running and fooling around tickling each other in the end instead of sweating. It just feels empty. E-M-P-T-Y. Missing the night walks we have together although at times we mostly don't say anything to each other. Not having you around is worse, and what's worst is that I remind myself everyday that by this time next year, I am going to have to bid farewell to you for four years. I do not know why am I that emotional at this moment but the ambivalent I am feeling is why I decided to write. Writing really do improve my mood. The form of letting it all out in forms of words are always what appeals to me, other than tearing. Sigh. I miss home, and I really want to go home. That is of course, impossible for my classes ends late on Fridays, and it will be a hassle for me to get to the bus station, plus the probability of not getting a ticket home is high. Life's a bitch, I get it now. Looking on the bright side of the university now, I am grateful that the lecturers that I am getting (especially my Calculus) is really good and I find that I am most productive when put in a classroom-like environment. Focus is evidently higher and maybe due to the fact that everyone else knows that I am a scholar, I am constantly pushing myself to the limit to excel and not lose to those who are not sponsored by any bodies. I am not trying to be complacent right now, but it's true. I am not the kind of person to just 'brush my dignity' off whenever I lost to someone academically. I feel like I'm in a pressure cooker, ready to explode anytime with tears. I am trying to stay optimistic each freaking day, and I am trying my best. Really wish everything just falls right into place this time so that I am not going to have any more regrets. Life is short. I really do not want to miss out the fun due to my lofty ambition of going overseas.